Constipation Kingdom

In the middle of a sweltering summer off the shores of Dunbar when I was just a wee child, me, my brother and the souls of those past convened in secret in the cellar of Saint Luke’s we created this manifesto. We mulled over various papers as we rummaged through medical records stored from years past. Robert Jefferson: cause of death unknown. Robert Jefferson died “quietly” during a “normal” defecation session. His stool: cold, hard, smell of tar and pears. For years Robert Jefferson complained of his bowel movements to his parents, countless doctors and specialists. His tears fell on deaf ears.

His head physician in charge of his care? Dr Dustin Worthy…. We all know who Mr Worthy is. During his stay at Saint Luke’s Dr Worthy has been known to create a toxic work culture. Mr Worthy has been at the forefront of this movement. His culture is perhaps one of the worst to have ever been cultivated. Although Dr Worthy may appear to be a healthy, middle aged, Italo-American man, for years he has consumed nothing but green mashed potatoes, hot pockets, RHINO PILLS, and a cocktail of gin, tequila and horse tranquilizers. His gut biome is so infested with despair and quite funnily ulcers that those who come in contact with him while under his DIRECT and SPARSELY UNSUPERVISED care they become unwilling to defecate.

My brother and I have come into contact with Dr Worthy while under his care for things unrelated to the bowels or our gut biomes. We have unfortunately contracted what Mr Jefferson was afflicted by, However our case is much milder. We have begun to create a support group dedicated to our affliction to find a sense of community among those who also care to call themselves a proud poopcel.

We as Poopcels poop against our will. Much like that of the great Buddah we too recognize that all poops are suffering. We poop not because we want to…. But because we must. We are from all walks of life, Heroin addicts, bakers, teachers, break dancers, and even surprisingly Taylor Swift. Yeah that's right you thought you could escape her but you can't. Much like how we cannot escape our inevitable end. We all come into this world and we will all unwillingly shit ourselves out of this world….